• Working On the First Few Years of Marriage
• Family History, Culture and Background
• Communication
• Friendship: Becoming Best Friends
• Resolving Conflict: “Fighting Fairly”
• SEX
• Shared Spirituality
  
• BIBLIOGRAPHY

Download the file in PDF format - What to Expect When You Say “I Do”

It has been said that the most pivotal issue before our nation today is not crime, neither is it healthcare, welfare, the media, politics, the economy, or the environment. The most critical issue before us today in the United States is the moral and spiritual condition of “our families.” What happens after the “I Dos” are said? What affects can a good marriage have on a family versus that of a “broken marriage?”

In the small time frame of 8 months into my own marriage, I have learned quickly that for a “good” marriage to exist and last - hard, hard work is required. There is no other way, definitely no short cuts down the journey of marriage. From the numerous books on marriage to the “marriage experts” – one common suggestion they all seem to have is the importance of building good foundations within the first few years of marriage. This time last year I was sitting through sessions after sessions of premarital counseling. At first the mentality was “let’s get it over with.” It was mandatory for us as members of our church and I did not think we needed it. Plus, we had already read all the “right” books – on marriage, sex, communication, finances, and a host of other things. We were just anticipating the best marriage ever. Then, after the honeymoon to Italy…the question “why isn’t it all working according to plan?” began to resonate in our hearts.

Though each marriage is different and not everyone will struggle with the same issues, I looked into and researched on some areas of marriage that can be a source of unmet expectations during the first few years of marriage. While each marriage is unique, there are some common challenges every couple faces. In this research paper I have also gathered some tips for dealing with some of these issues, as they have helped me tremendously in my own marriage. Most importantly, identifying some common issues of newly married couples and seeing the ways that God has created “us” to be partners in marriage.

Author Stephen Grunlan stated it best when he encouraged us as Christians to take up the responsibility to study marriage and the family. Grunlan urged us to “take the truth found in God’s Word and the truth found in God’s world and integrate them in both doctrine and practice.” The family is the basic unit in every society; as well as the first social unit created by God. With that in mind, there is an importance in looking at a couple’s family history, culture and background. It gives the couple a lot of information about each other, but most importantly for the couple to keep that very information in the back of their minds for retrieval in the coming days - when the honeymoon is over. Often times the very information gathered prior to marriage are forgotten with all the planning of the wedding day, as well as the festivities leading up to the day after the honeymoon.

In a sense, when one gets married they are marrying more than just their spouse. They are also marrying their spouse’s family too. In fact where one comes from and their family history lies beneath just about “every issue” a person will face in their entire marriage – not just the first few years. According to authors Toben and Joanne Heim, they have a theory that when the going gets tough, one’s first instinct is to go with what was modeled to them. Going with what was modeled to them is not necessarily a bad thing. However, chances are that what was modeled to that individual was different to that of their spouse. Parents shape our views about marriage. They teach us what it looks like to make decisions, to manage money, and to raise children in partnership with another person.

On the surface, our families (my husband and I) seem to be pretty similar. Both families live in Queens, New York. Both families raised two kids (in which we are both the older sibling) and our families were actively involved in their churches. Both sets of parents are still married to each other. However, as we dig a little deeper, we see some big differences in the way our families operated that caused us some trouble early on in our marriage. Take disagreements, for example. In my husband’s family they are not confrontational people. When issues arise they may take their time in resolving it. Whereas, in my family “what you see is what you get,” we confront the problem and deal with it on the spot. In early disagreements, my husband and I could never resolve our issues in a productive way. We went into the disagreements with how we would normally handle it with our families. Big mistake…talk about expectations going unmet. I expected my husband to deal with the issue on hand, and he expected me to give it some time to think it through. Fortunately, we learned how our families and our personalities affect our disagreements, and now we are actually pretty good when it comes to dealing with opposing viewpoints.

When we took the time to learn how our families were different in spite of all the similarities, things got a bit easier. By understanding where we came from and what was modeled, we had a better chance of ending up on the same page. This applies to how we go about celebrating the holidays and with whom (which side of the family), spend money, and even how we go about doing just about everything else in our marriage.

Understanding where we come from as individuals is important in marriage. To build a shared future, we need more than love – we need to understand and be aware of our past. One of the great things about getting married is the chance to adopt another history that weaves together with your own to create a fabric that is similar to the one your parents wove, but is also unique to your new family of two.

With hands down, most to all marriage books list communication as the most common problem in marriage. However, often enough most books are very general in conveying the principals for developing effective communication with one’s spouse. Communication, in a nutshell is the transfer of information from one person to another. Though it sounds real simple, most of the time it is the hardest to carry out. Authors Toben and Joanne Heim puts communication in its basic model: in every act of communication there is a sender, a receiver, a message, and a context where the message occurs.

The sender “encodes” a message, which means he or she thinks up what he or she wants to say. Then sends it – speaks it out loud. The message is then delivered in a context – through time, place, atmosphere and so forth. The receiver then “decodes” the message, where he or she interprets what was said while keeping into account the context. Then the process starts over again. According to the Heim’s, there are a few places in this model where things can get significantly weird. Things like inflection, tone, and body language can cloud the meaning of the meaning of the intended message. Context can certainly cause confusion too. It is like the game of telephone we played as children. The sender is like the first person who whispers a phrase into someone’s ear. The receiver is like the last person in the line who says what she heard. Context is like all the other kids in the line who mess up the original phrase. Therefore, what the receiver ends up hearing is not always what the sender intended.

Communication can be expressed in all sorts of ways. However, the key is that a couple seeks to understand and to be understood. Every weekday around 9:30 in the morning, I will receive a voice mail from my husband when I am at work. Working in Harlem, I leave my house very early for the long commute – hence my husband and I do not have the opportunity to speak in the mornings before work. So what does this have to do with communication? Dr. Gary Chapman has identified five languages that express love: touching, talking, serving, giving gifts, and speaking encouraging words.

When my husband leaves that voice mail every weekday morning, he is speaking encouraging words to me and wishing that I have a blessed day at work. This is his way of telling me and showing me loud and clear that he loves me. Of course, I did not understand this at first. I wish he would have “served” me more by being more of a “doer,” then I would really know he loves me. To me, serving meant love. With time, we learned each other’s “love language” and it has definitely helped with our communication.

Dr. Larry Crabb has also encouraged me to look at communication as a vehicle which will move my husband and I toward “Soul Oneness.” It is about ministering to the needs of the other “regardless the response” we get back from the other party. Dr. Larry Crabb list two required elements in developing communication which will build Soul Oneness: (1) A commitment to the goal of ministry; (2) A strategy for handling negative emotions that neither violates the goal of ministry nor creates distance between the partners. In terms of ministry, it about ministering to our spouse in which they feel safe and accepted. Our spouse should feel a sense of closeness in which they can share anything and everything.

So many things changed from the time when we were dating to when we got married. During our dating years, the time that we did get together was focused on being together. We wanted every moment to count. Yet, after we got married the distractions started to creep in. There were “things to do around the house.” We were both in seminary and working full time jobs too. And so, we started to take for granted the time we had together.

The more we took our time for granted together the more we suffered relationally. Our communication with one another began to dwindle. Every once in a while tension would build up until something or someone snapped. 99% of the time after talking things out, we would realize that we needed to spend some “quality time” together. We have made it a point that despite the busyness in our lives, we would block out at least one night, usually Fridays or Saturdays as our date night. We would really focus on each other, and it did not have to be fancy candlelight dinners and the works. In fact, it was just about spending quality time with one another. Some of the best date nights, were within the confines of our apartment, pizza and just really good conversations. I must say that these date nights have really fostered a good sense of understanding between the two of us. Though we have dinner mostly every night, and I can always confide in my husband and we have good conversations – I look forward to date nights because I get to spend quality time with not just my husband, but my only male best friend.

Saying “my spouse is my best friend” sounds really good and can be very soothing to the soul. However, to some – we may be thinking that the best friend, buddy, or set of reliable and trustworthy friends are already in place. Hence, the mentality may be “my spouse should just be my spouse.” The very idea of maintaining a good friendship in a marriage is no longer necessary. You are already married…what is the point of being or becoming best friends; and maintaining the friendship throughout marriage life?

In Staying in Love for a Lifetime, author Ed Wheat encouraged couples to build on their friendship and work hard in building the friendship to that of having a best friend in each other as a married couple. The fond friendship “takes on added intensity and enjoyment as part of the multi-faceted love bond of husband and wife.”

By being best of friends, this demands for both parties to make a conscious effort and commitment. With that added to marriage, it becomes one of the most rewarding things a couple can do for their lifetime together. Ed Wheat’s phases of the 3R’s have been very helpful in allowing me to see my spouse in a different light. The 3R’s shapes my attitude and actions in expecting more from me - to establish a greater friendship with my husband. It allowed me to have a stronger foundation in beginning the process of becoming best friends with my husband.

The first “R” is “relaxation.” It is about developing more common shared experiences and time with one another. Through this phrase a couple will learn to trust each other and develop a deeper sense of “oneness.” Then, there is the second “R” – “rapport.” In the rapport phrase, the couple is able to share deeper aspects of themselves to one another. Things which are precious and vulnerable are revealed. Hence, communication and the development of it become extremely important. Only through this channel, will one begin to feel completely accepted by the other. Finally, the last “R’ is the “revelation” phrase. During this phrase, there is deep and mature understanding of one another. Both the husband and wife’s needs and longings are being met and understood. The 3R’s, however, are not just one shot deals. They like all things in marriage need time to be nurtured. If neglected and not watched carefully, it too can be destroyed and ruined.

Most of the little arguments my husband and I have had have been over ridiculous things. Often times it is because we do not take these conflicts seriously, because they are not really important. However, the habits we use in these little disagreements set a pattern for when big issues arise. That is why little arguments are a great place to start when it comes to building conflict resolution skills. My husband and I have found out also that a few other things never work well when resolving conflict: (1) brining up the past, (2) exaggerating, (3) intimidating, (4) giving up, (5) refusing to talk – my forte, (6)humiliating, (7) changing the subject and (8) interrupting.

To benefit from conflict, one needs to understand just what they are arguing about in the first place. Toben and Joanne Heim have identified these steps toward determining the problem and making conflict constructive. First, the couple needs to define the problem or area of disagreement. This sounds very simple, but sometimes this is a lot more difficult when having to be executed. Then, the couple needs to recognize the ways in which both contributed to the problem. Just as it takes two to tango, it also takes two to disagree. From there, brainstorm all the possible solutions. Discuss each solution and agree on one to try. Then, set a time to review progress.

This process may seem a bit corny and too ideal, but I have come to the understanding that each part of this process allows someone like me who can snap easily to slow down with my emotions and reflect on the situation at hand. It allows me to back off and be careful about venting hostile feelings. Words often seem to fly out of our mouths when we are unaware of them. I can vouch for the saying “think before you speak” – or act highly. In the midst of conflict, it is easy to forget how much I love my spouse.

A couple should never underestimate the power of praying together. God wants us to get along with each other. In Romans 12:16, Paul wrote, “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be conceited.” In praying together with my spouse, it means I am giving up the option to “win the fight.” Instead, we are looking for a solution which will satisfy both of us. Often times, forgiveness is needed. Marriage and Family Therapist, Horace Allen wrote in Thinking with the Heart, “When forgiveness is accomplished, you are then free from the pain and the hurt that unforgiveness usually causes. The person, who has forgiven, at least in principle, is free from the evil self-task and internal struggles and fighting that usually go on within the one who can not forgive. The desire of the one who has forgiven in principle is not to drag the debtor into moral court and make him pay. Rather, it is her desire to establish or restore what has been broken by the offense so that when and if the forgiver meets with the debtor, she can offer him the gift of forgiveness.”

As you work through disagreements together, notice what makes your partner tick. Knowing your differences ahead of time, even family background, etc. can help you avoid conflict. It is okay to express hurt, but we just need to be careful that it does not lead to hostility. In Fit To Be Tied, Bill and Lynne Hybels expressed to their readers that hurt is a legitimate response to disappointment and offense, and it should never be denied or kept hidden. It should always be expressed and discussed. But hurt becomes a problem when people let it build up inside and turn into anger. Another mistake that causes hurt to turn to anger is accumulating grievances. One hurt is manageable. You can keep it under control, express it constructively, and work through it. Two hurts can be a bit difficult to deal with but still workable. Accumulation of more than that can cause couples to compare notes and use those notes as ammunition.

From Bill and Lynne Hybels, I have learned that even those whom are in ministry and seem to be very successful and “got it all together” are not immune from the great difficulties of marriage and temptations. Problems which cause either spouse a high degree of hurt in the past, or problems that require complex solutions, have potential to bring out the worst in us, even during peace talks. In some cases, when peace talks do not work between the couple, the next step is to seek counsel from trusted people – even if it means calling in the professionals. Some people refuse to seek counsel from a counselor because they are embarrassed and they do not want anyone to know their marriage is a bit frayed around the edges. Some refuse because they are afraid of the painful truth, or of what they might learn about themselves. There are many factors and reasons. Though prayer and Bible study are very important elements in Christian marital health, God has also gifted individuals with a “degree of discernment, knowledge, and wisdom that allows them to assist couples” who are stuck in unhealthy and destructive marriages. The Hybels said it best, “Conflict resolution requires courage and persistence. It calls for humility and honesty. It chips away at our hardness of heart, and sometimes it produces pain. But it is always worth whatever effort it takes, whatever inconvenience it causes, and whatever change or compromise it requires.”

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. But conflict in marriage is not necessarily bad. Conflict can be viewed as an isolated event or as a process. It is the process part of conflict that is worth valuing. In any disagreement there are two key elements: the issue at hand and the way it is addressed. No matter the issue. Conflict provides an opportunity for me to love my spouse in the midst of difficult circumstances.

Sex

Sex portrayed in Hollywood and the movies is always spontaneous, always romantic, and so forth. It is easy to build a fantasy about sex, and the first time a couple has sex the night of their wedding. As a woman, I think that my greatest expectation was that sex – or maybe more than that, my husband – would always be romantic. Soft music, flowers, and candlelight – I wanted it all. What I did not expect from sex was the mystery of it.

Sex bonds us in a way nothing else can with our spouse. From our first attempt, there was something amazing happening beyond our nervousness and lack of skill. As close as we were, as much as we loved each other, sex bonded us in a way nothing else did – or could. In 1Corinthians, Paul says, “There is more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” As written in 1Corinthians 6:16, “The two became one.” I understood the mechanics of sex, but not much more. I knew in my head that “the two become one,” but did not know how profound and how true that really is. For the first time, I really understood why God intends sex to be held within marriage. Paul then goes on to say in 1Corinthians 7:2, “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.”

Ed Wheat, in his book Staying in Love for a Lifetime talked about “Partner-centered sex” as being the greatest secret of sexual fulfillment. It is about “developing a relationship that is not self-centered, not performance-centered, not even sex-centered, but centered in the joy of giving your partner pleasure.” Partner-centered sex is does not feel boring, nor does it feel like a routine, because it depends on the motivation of the couple. The couple is sensitive to each other’s needs and desires whether it was implied, through body language, or gestures. It is not about sacrifice, nor giving to receive, but more so a reward, because one is concentrating on pleasuring their spouse without any motives. It is about feeling and belonging to each other.

More than any other aspect of marriage, it seems like sex is one of those where we have expectations that we do not communicate and, as a result, do not get met. More than other aspects of marriage, sex is hard to talk about for many couples. However, the good news is that God wants us to have great sex with our spouses. A couple needs to examine their expectations about sex and talk them through with each other, only then will they discover greater intimacy.

Along with sex, shared spirituality has the potential to be one of the most intimate – if not the most intimate – facets of marriage. It encompasses the relationship we have with each other and the relationship we have with God. God is as central to our marriage as our spouse is. In Ecclesiastes 4:12, Solomon wrote that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Hence, with God as an integral part of marriage, marriage becomes stronger.

As seminary students, my husband and I had to come to terms with our relationship with God. Reading the Bible sometimes became more of an assignment that had to be done versus spending quality time with God. We made some adjustments as to our study of the Bible for seminary and our study of the Bible for our own spiritual growth. We have set time every night before bed to pray as a couple and it has truly helped us grow together in Christ. We have been thus, consistent – but it is our prayer and hope - that as the years go by in our marriage and we begin to start our family…we too would still have this fervor and passion for pursuing God in our marriage, even when things get tough.

In the past three months, my husband and I have joined a Couple’s Fellowship - small group. We take turns leading the Bible Study at our homes, and it has truly been a blessing to us. We are in a very dynamic group, one couple has been married for 15 years, one couple are both doctors – and they have shared how they balance their marriage in the midst of busy schedules, and then there is a couple who are musicians. We all come from different walks of life, but it is our commitment to God and to our spouses that we come together consistently to share our lives and learn from each other.

My husband and I attended the Campus Crusade for Christ Family Life Presents “Weekend to Remember” conference. It was extremely informational and helpful to us as a newly married couple. The highlight of the weekend was establishing date nights into our busy weekly schedules. This has been one of the best things we have done for our first year of marriage. It has helped us build good foundations in our communication with one another, as well as helping us set boundaries and priorities in our marriage.

Everyday is a new day in our marriage. I am still learning and growing in this marriage. However, in the past 8 months with the help of conferences, books, and the opportunity to take this course at such a “right” time in my seminary studies as well as marriage – I have learned many new things to implement in my marriage and the years to come. Though still naïve in many ways, as well as stubborn in my ways…I continue to walk this journey with my husband not only in hopes of maturing in faith but also maturing in our marriage for the years to come.

Allen, Horace. Thinking with the Heart. Enumclaw, WA: WinePress Publishing, 2004.

Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages. Northfield: Chicago, 1992.

Crabb, Larry. The Marriage Builder. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1992.

Grunlan, Stephen. Marriage and the Family: A Christian Perspective. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1999.

Heim, Toben and Joanne. Great Expectation: An Interactive Guide To Your First Year Of Marriage. Colorado Springs, Colorado: Navpress, 2000.

Hybels, Bill and Lynne. Fit To Be Tied. Grand Rapids: Michigan: Zondervan, 1991.

Wheat, Ed. Staying in Love for a Lifetime. NY, NY: Inspirational Press, 1980.